Right to Bear Thoughts, No. 000
Counsel Robbin Cheetum's Scooby-Doo Ending.
Court: today = date.today()
“Counsel Cheetum, naked women seems… a little unreasonable. Quite offensive I might say, too.”
“Madam Chief Commissioner, I said bear thoughts, not bare thots. They’re meanings are not the same. Their best understood given context.”
“I think you mean their and they’re, not they’re and their.”
“Of course.”
“Continue, counsel.”
“Thank you, Chief Commissioner. The question before the Court is of interpretation, specifically, which theory is appropriate given the historical significance of the text. Hundreds-of-years old script and semantic drift continue to trouble this land. Novel questions arise as the boundaries of intent are tested. Textualism is not appropriate; originalism is a must. I would like to…”
“Counsel?”
“Yes?”
“Who are those two?”
“Madam Chief: Mike Myers and Dana Carvey, they are here to…”
“Objection, Madam Chief!”
“Grounds, Mr. Secretariat?”
“My learned opponent is attempting the Scooby-Doo Defense to confuse ever…”
“No, Madam Chief, I was just going to…”
“Quiet, Mr. Cheetum. It is my turn to speak. Madam Chief, this is how this firm tricks you! Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe are the worst type of…”
“Mr. Bureau Secretariat, Counsel Robin Cheetum: this is no place for arguing, this is a courtroom! Mr. Myers, Mr. Carvey: you are worthy, continue.
“Party on, Wayne! Let’s take ‘em back to the founding.”
“Party on, Garth! I’ll do the Scooby-Doo ending diddily-dos to travel back in time… eh-um…”
diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do…
Anomaly Across Ocean
Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a solar system, far, far, away… in the Kingdom of Sphinctersayswhat, there was a conflict. Some eighteen-hundred years after some random dude died, the Kingdom’s peripheral anomaly across the vast ocean grew restless under an oppressive tax regime.
Facing falling revenue, Engl… no, the Bri… no, the Kingdom of Sphinctersayswhat did what any Vogan-based political system would do: they banned partial taxidermy of ursus americanus. Since denizens of the anomaly across the ocean (“AAO”) hung the appendages above their fireplace, the criminal penalty would raise enormous revenue for the Kingdom, while preventing those fined to represent themselves in the political system. The Kingdom Emissary’s message of the new crime tempered unrest like spirits of turpentine does not a fire.
“It is a crime and a fine, not a bill and a tax. It is not a crime to fine nor to tax. With great power to tax comes great representation; but with illegally illegal crimes: a fine or a fine-prison stay, which, for half of you, is half as much as you deserve,” said he.
Compared to the several years after the beginning of the universe, not much happened in AAO for some time after the Emissary’s declaration. But now, the question of individual liberties is afoot. With clouds aloft and a vessel ashore, we now travel through a door ajar. Next to a hearth afire, a dude and another adude debate the draft text of the Second Amendment to the AAO Charter…
“Welcome, Mr. Buster. Do you go by Phil, or Phillip?”
“Orville. For the record, ‘Phil’ is my given name, but I prefer my secundonomen, ‘Orville,’ or just ‘O.’ And you, sir?”
“Xavier. Xavier Breadth. Shall we get started Orvilleorjusto?”
“Yes, and no need, thank you. I can talk for a long time.”
diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do…
“That is ridiculous, O.”
“In what way, Mr. Breadth? That fancy ratified Charter mentions the military a lot. Our draft amendment could be misinterpreted to mean smoothbore muskets, long rifles, and pistols.”
“Oh, my. Though ‘interior design above all else,’ I say. Where do you think the inspiration came from for my quarters? Such a delightfully jarring motif of gilded rococo. Gaze upon it. It really brings this oval room together. If one is to be oppressed, one should at least be oppressed amidst a decent layer of gold leaf and cherubs. It raises the property value of the human spirit, don’t you find?”
“I see. Although there remains a small chance of misinterpretation, I agree: ‘arms’ will suffice. The word is as clear as the limbs my hands are attached to. And you do have a lovely taxidermy collection.”
“And more on the way! In fact, I expect the taxidermist this week, and I have many gilded mounting plaques prepared.”
“Xavier, if I could offer some constructive crit… err thoughts on your design choices. It appears the claws…”
diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do…
“Oh my, you mean a stink in my inexpressibles?”
“No. No shite, Orvilleorjusto.”
“You simply cannot—HKK-PFFFFT! Oh, you absolute rotter! It’s gone vertical! I am currently marinating my own frontal lobe! Why does hops taste like brimstone when it exits the wrong way? Well, if not ‘carrying a load’ in my smallclothes, whatever do you posit?”
“Here, have another. We shall transition to mead—HIC. The context is carrying a burden, or providing structural support.”
“I bear-ily understand. Why would the denizens of AAO enshrine their right to carry heavy arms to and fro? Or is it a worry over shortage of timber, and defense of structural appendages?”
“You mock. I merely offer my intuition regarding misinterpretation risk—HIC… HIC. My dear O, I must say: if my reading is implausible, then—HIC—then your train-of-thought bearings are off, your rotating-brain bearings are wiped, and I will not bear your suggestion that it could mean ‘bearer arms.’ Arms are not financial instruments like bonds or cheques.”
“Yet.”
“What of bearskin jobbers? Would bear arms sell themselves short in a market downturn?”
“Bear market, bull market. All financial fraud and blood sports. Liars, cheaters, profiteers. It’s all volatility anyway. Those insultuous phrases must be replaced. There needs to be a newer, stronger phrase…”
“Funny bone market?”
diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do…
“…and you think this reading bears fruit?”
“Absolutely.”
“I fear you have contrived your own ruin.”
“How so, sir?”
“First, I acquiesce: it is a very forward-thinking interpretation that enshrines the rights of women to have choice over their bodies… but”
“BURP ”
“It’s a belt to the suspenders of autonomy, personal liberty, and inalienable rights. There is no question: no enumerated power in the AAO Charter expresses, or implies, that a person does not have full autonomy over their own bodies.”
“…I see, said the blind man while pissing into the wind. So, if that was the interpretation—bear arms as to bear children—that would mean the amendment was necessary, because the AAO Charter did not guarantee the right in the first place? It’s all coming back to me now.”
“Precisely. But in a more grotesque critique, why only arms? Why not the entire body?”
“I don’t BURP dunno…”
“We need not worry. I don’t anticipate any dispute with the AAO Charter, its amendments, and rights of women to choose… HIC.”
diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do…
“Oh, dear. I seemed to have wet my drafts.”
“Come again? HIC…”
“I have drooled over my papers, and they are now soaked in ale.”
“Oh, my. Let me see that parchment… Orvilleorjusto! Look!”
“BURP Hmm?”
“You are a genius!”
“I know, I know… BURP Why?”
“Here: Article I, Section 9. SHOW ME THE BODY!”
“I see, I see. Umm… my genius does not understand.”
“The papers you wet, it included my copy of the AAO Charter! See, read, and heed: writ of habeas corpus serves as the legal check for tyranny.”
“I agree.”
“HIC You’re drooling again.”
“I know, this time I am using it to derive the answer to life, the universe, and every—BURP. Please, continue.”
“The thrust of our amendment is to serve the physical check to tyranny, to complement the legal check: fisticuffs”
“I see. We should add some words to ensure that is clear… security, militia, verisimilitude.”
“Oh, my! Again, genius! A moment to draft.”
“Forty BURP two.”
“Please don’t interrupt, I am in deep thought.”
“Apologies.”
diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do…
“There we are. Mr. Buster, you are my pounce pot: please drool right here.”
“That is exquisite prose. HIC… ‘a well regerlated mili… milit… militia HIC being nethethary to the securituh of a free State, the right of the poopie… HEH, HEH… to keep and bear arms, shall nut be unfrunged.”
“We bonk heads with our hands when tyranny rears its sleepy, ugly, orange-caked, comb-overed head!”
“And ain’t no gov’ment going to lop off our arms!”
“Hear HIC hear!”
“BURP ”
diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do diddily-do…
Court: today = date.today()
“That has to be the most ridiculous string of words I have ever heard. Every lawyer in this courtroom is now disbarred for having succumbed to that torture. I cannot comprehend the level of idiocrasy that led you to think ‘bear arms’ has anything to do with animals or appendages. What is the point of all this?”
“Objection, releva…”
“Shuddup, Bureau Secretariat, you petty excuse for a bureaucrat. Mr. Cheetum will answer.”
“Ah, yes, the absurdity of it all. One must strip away the sheer ridiculousness of legal interpretations to reveal the reasonable meanings that lie beneath. Like peeling an onion, but with more lawyers and fewer tears.
“But then, one is faced with a delightful paradox: a phrase so deceptively simple, yet so riddled with meaning. Of course, it means to have guns. But no, no, no! That’s not the point. The point is that this right of ours to bear arms is not a right in and of itself, but rather a choice we make every day.
“A choice to do what? Well, that’s the question isn’t it? To arm oneself with courage? Or perhaps a very stern glare, dampened trout, or towel? Or with an endless supply of allen wrenches from furniture you bought in the 90s? Ah, but I digress. The point is that we must have the freedom to choose how we exercise our rights… a reflection of our own ability to think. For if we cannot think for ourselves, how can we possibly wield such mighty weapons such as… well, as trout? Or guns?
“I suppose that’s where the First Amendment comes in. Ah, yes! Abridged speech, press, free assembly, petitioning for redress. And don’t even get me started on the Ninth Amendment! An enumerated right does not disparage other rights. Likewise, my dear Tenth Amendment: any powers or restrictions not enumerated in the Constitution are reserved to the States and the people. You see, my friends, this is where things get provocative.
“For it is among these rights we find our beloved Right to Bear Thoughts. Ah, yes! The very thought itself becomes a right. A fundamental right! For can any right be exercised without free will or volition? Nay!
“And so, I ask you: what exactly does it mean to ‘bear thoughts’? Does it mean we must think deeply? Or perhaps simply think… well, at all? That’s the beauty of it. We have no idea. And that is precisely why this is so important. For in a free state, my friends, we must always be able to bear our thoughts without fear of reprisal. For if we cannot do so, then what’s the point of a secure state? Thank you.”
“Counsel Robbin Cheetum… is all this word-vomit necessary? This is traffic court.”
“Madam Chief Commissioner, my client does not think she was speeding. Hashtag THERIGHTTOBEARTHOUGHTS number 000!”
“Number zero?”
“I’ll be back, with more thought criminals! In the name of the Cobain, the Vedder, and the Holy Cornell: may your flannel be plaid, and your tuning be dropped. The defense rests.”